Today is the 31st March 2009 and this is my second post of the day . 

This isn't meant for anybody, i'm just trying to let it out . 

If this is just a crush, i hope it could stop . But if this is love, why do i feel what i shouldn't feel . Have you ever had so much feeling for someone, not a family member, just some other one, so much so that you could bear to let yourself suffer so that he could be happier ? 

I know this is wrong, i knew it was so wrong right from the start, but it's not that i always keep things to myself, i have a reason, a reason for everything, anything that i do, whatever that i did . Why must i voice out the unhappiness which adds more trouble to the world, to me, to you ? Why must i say out what i'm not contented with so that there's one more fight/quarreling to have ? All i'm trying to do, hiding my stuffs within me, is so that we could live happier, less argues, less whatever that would make us more unhappy . Did i do it wrong ? All these of my ''sufferings'', is all my intentions . . . for your happiness, because at the end of the day, i only want who i love, i only want who i can't live without, to be truly happy . 

Even though we quarrel at times, but i still care for you, where you were, what are you doing and how you felt . Everytime, we could have quarrelled for a longer time, but i gave in, it's just a moment of anger that made me wanna pick up a fight . Pardon me . 

If it was me a year ago, all my intentions goes to how i could have fun and i never thought of any hardship of life . Because i never trust men, even though they were truthful . My life were more or less given away, whoever wants it, takes it, then throws it . I rely on other men's cash to live, one after the other, i have no problems with that . Even if one day i were to marry, all expenses shall be on the man . I was so strong not to trust men then . 

But the me now, i don't know . I trust you, but why do i still have dreams that one day you'll leave . I still can't find the answer . 

How could i ever know that you're my only only one ?

I don't wish to go back to trusting no one . 

Today is the last day of March 2009, the 31st . Bonjour, how's your day ?

Were you busy like hell ? 

I used to think that i could work as i like, and stop working if i just hate anything about the job . But somehow, things have made it to me to be clear that i have to find a stable job and get on with life . I don't need money, i only need the things which i could only get them with money, do i ? Of all the things, i think i hate money the most . Why do people crave to earn more ? So that they could win others ? Don't you think that the current world situation is so unfair, in the sense that the rich gets richer and the poor gets more trash ? And when talked or discussed about fairness they bring it to court . In my eyes, the court doesn't help much, because the court is where the laws .

Do you believe in laws ?

I don't, not totally . The court is where the laws are, not justice . 

Anyway, i have no idea why i drifted into that topic . Sigh, i feel handicapped these days and my hands still hurts . Try having 7 to 8 attempts of needles under your skin for the blood within 5 days . Now i have blue blacks all over my hands, don't ask me why, just ask why my veins are so thin . 

Let's hope for a full speed recovery, i can't wait can't wait to go clubbing . I've freaking stop clubbing for weeks . 

I miss you . 

Today is the 30th March 2009 . Thinking of how i blog now, there's this sudden thought that i haven't written in my real diary for such a long time . 

My left hand hurts . Zzz . And i got MC for one whole week . 

Let's hope i get better by Thursday so i could go clubbing at the end of the week . 

Alez, will blog again tomorrow . 

Bonne nuit . 

Today is the 29th March 2009 . 

I miss the airport, i miss the days as a CYA with wonderful friends . Sometimes i just kinda feel sad that i left them, or rather, they left . 

I still remember how my saturday sacrifices turns out to be happy moments . When then, i was complaining about how i can't go clubbing, and now thinking back that i actually made the right choice to not go clubbing . Well, if you understand what i meant . But i guess that can no longer happen, because the same old people . . . more than half are gone ? 

As people said, happy days don't last . 

Anyway, i was wondering if i should stop my driving lessons . My instructor just suck and it makes me so sick everything i thought of my practical lessons though i'm very keen in getting my license . So it's either i find another one or just stop . Zzz . 

I can't help to say even though i have stop meeting up with car teams, i still dream of having my own tuned up drive, though it's not fairlady as much as i wanted it, something good enough as far as i can see . 

http://www.sgcarmart.com/used_cars/info.php?ID=41548&DL=1000

Today is the 24th March 2009 . 

It's been long since i last posted an entry i know, but i can't help but hold back what i have to say, just in case, i said anything wrongly . 

It feels so different now, as if . . . i can't express myself freely in my own blog, i have to hide certain things and cut out other sensitive topics, it feels so different from when i first started blogging . Because then, i knew no one really read my blog, but now, there is . 

I just wish that all the people around me could just stop talking to me, because i just don't wanna talk . Well, except for dear dear of course . I really really don't feel like talking, seriously, so if you wanna talk to me, just go away . 

Her naggings last night made me kinda regret telling her, and the way she talked last night made me put on a fake smile even though she's my own mother . I just hope she could stop blaming my beloved for what happen and blame nothing at all . So what if i spent all my cash on his relative's birthday and he spent nothing . I spent it on my own account, willingly, if you're unhappy with it, you could just stop giving me my pocket money . I can survive without cash and you know it, because i'm good at starving myself, and i'll do that if you continue blaming him . 

I wish i could be back in my friend's house, drinking with nice deep house electronica music playing and that's all i hear . I wish to do nothing, just lay back on the lounge chair, sip on a glass of vodka and have dear dear beside me . But somehow or another, i knew i will never ever be able to do that, and no one could give me that . It's just impossible without some things . 

Can't really describe how deep i fell this time, how i got hurt, but it's been long since i felt so dark and alone, like i said . 

And i'm saying this for the last time i hope, i don't feel like talking, so please don't talk to me .

Today is the 18th March 2009 . 

I have no idea why i'm so vexed up . This is so far the most difficult decision i've ever come across . 

I felt lost . As if even all the people in the world were to talk to me, i'm still alone . And that includes you . 

I'm crying non-stop inside, and sheding tears at night outside . 

Whoever you are, you could read my blog, but don't come to me asking me what happen . Like i said, if i want you to know, i'll tell you even before i blog it . So, please . . . read and keep your mouth shut, or you could just stop reading and know no more . 

我电脑里的信，是为你而写的。

Today is the 17th March 2009 . 

If you're wondering why am i so free to blog the second time today, i had an off day . I'm at home, i faked up being unwell, whatever, i hate work . 

I wish i could club, i wish i could stand in front of the big speakers in boiler room and drink . 

It's been a long time since i club . 

Please don't leave me . 

Today is the 17th March 2009 . 

Gah !

How do i start ?

Zzz !

Today is the 16th March 2009 .

Whatever it is, i appreciate all the people who shown concern . Be it lending me a listening ear or giving me advice .

But on the other hand, i apologize to all the people whom i haven't been truthful to . Because i just want you to know, i always have my reason .

Whether or not the problem turns out good or bad, it still has to be a fact . And whether or not you are informed, is totally up to how i see that you would leave your impression on this .

I could tell you my reason, explain it to you how it affects me . But you could choose to ignore it and believe more in your own thinking, which i don't know . For this very reason, is the main factor if i will be truthful to you, him, she, them and anyone .

He is not to be blame .

We slept on your bed with your left arm over my neck, i laid on your chest listening to your heart beat . You asked me again, if i really wanted to marry you . It's like an automatic generated answer for computer system so sure it will work - yes . And then you drift off to rest, almost aslept and i woke you up again . This time you asked me, what did i like about you, but i didn't answer then, because you were tired, and it is long . But here it is, my answer to the question .

I like how you care for me and make me your number one .
I like the way you look and smile .
I love the way you hug me .
I like your thoughts about me .
I love the times when we're together .
All in all, i love how you love me .

Get it now ?

=)

Today is the 12th March 2009 . 

I have no idea why i've been thinking so much lately, too much till i could sometimes find myself stopping at work and staring into space . 

The decision is made, it'll be gone . And i shall feel strong guilt for being like this . 

Ever since the news came, i didn't felt happy till now, i couldn't laugh like how i normally do, and all i have on my face is just a mask, i faked up the laughter, i faked up being a joker, i faked up smiling and i faked up being okay . 

For this once, i really wanna lock myself in the room . For this once, i really wanna know the truth . I couldn't sleep well at night, i force myself to eat because i have no appetite . And i hold back my tears clinching my teeth till it hurts whenever i think of the day that comes . 

I don't even have to mood to club anymore, i just wish i could smoke again . 

It's been long since i felt so dark, feels like i've fell into a hole on the ground and nobody knows . 

是我想太多吗？我感觉你的心，好想不属于我了。

Helpless . 

Today is the 11th March 2009 .

I don't feel scared, but i feel the lack in sense of security .

I am so paranoid till i felt so awake this morning, different from the usual sleepy mood .

Should i say ?

Should i keep it mum ?

I feel so helpless, it's gonna be my decision .

I must make a stand .

Let it on ? Or throw it ?

Today is the 9th March 2009 . Hmmm, i must say the work life's monday blues and school's monday blues are so different . Zzz . 

I feel so lifeless . Nothing good about life . 

And i've been thinking too much lately . I don't know why . 

我似乎非常害怕有一天会失去你。虽然你说过，我们唯一分开的理由是我提出，但我始终不信。我害怕你骗我，因为如果是这样的话，我不会在信你第二次。我好想天天就睡在你身边，抱着你一直到我入梦，醒来时，看到的，就是我亲爱的你。

我不知道为何会害怕你不再爱我，但就应为这样，我似乎每天都地看到你睡着在安心。告诉我，我为何会那么想？告诉我，我们会永远属于对方的。告诉我，你没骗过我，也不会骗我。

I used to think that i could live all by myself and that i don't need anyone . I could club all i want, do whatever i like, all the freedom i have to myself and my posh little home, gather all my girlfriends and have a mini-party at my posh house . And that was exactly a year ago . I have done so many things that people around me wouldn't believe that i've done it, i've changed from a like-to-be-at-home girl to a super clubber at late night . And that was all my memories, though i never regretted living through that, because i once had been so happy that chances of being so happy again is 0.01%, but i'm still glad it's over . I have changed for the better, for someone who promised to love me . Nevertheless, i'm still trying, struggling between what was i a year ago, and what i have to changed for him . I never shout when i get angry with him, is because i knew i would regret quarrelling over issues which would dissolve on it's own with time. 

Future MRT track . Please see how many more tracksss are there ! Bukit Timah track, and from Paris Ris to Woodlands straight . Omg ! We're gonna be like Hong Kong MTR, or rather more complex ! 

Today is the 7th March 2009 . 

Well, i must say this week really is a no life week . I wonder how the white collars can survive such life ? ! I do nothing but stare at the computer screen every single day . I almost went blind . Every thing is so computerized and i hate it . Okay, well, it's faster i know, neater i know, but spoils my eyes more you know ? 

Sigh . And this shall goes on for another 7 weeks . So far, my grading for this week is still good . I got an excellent and a good for Quality and Performance if i remember it correctly . I didn't bring my log book back since i've got such a big table and computer to myself . Ahh . 

Oh, and there's this machine for the staffs where they can get free milo, coffee, tea or chrysanthemum tea. So on the first or second day i can't remember, i got myself a cup of chrysanthemum tea . I swear i'll not touch the machine ever again no matter who said it was so good . I was having the tea which was so sweet as if 5 big spoons of sugar was stirred into the small cup of tea and till the last bit then i realized that, the bottom of the cup ( inside ) was half covered with dead ants and they're not small in size okay . And i was happily sipping away . I think i sipped in some ants too . I know, zzz . 

Sigh . I hate this, especially when i'm not doing any accounts . It's so boring . Zzz . 

Right, gotta go get my things done and i'm going out with my love soon . =)))

We quarrelled again, because of the same old issue . 

If you really can't accept the fact that i'm a clubber since the day we knew each other, and the fact that i do engage in certain smoking . 

Then it's time we re-consider each other as our life partners . 

I consider the change i made for you being vast .

I don't wish to say this, but i said it because i don't wanna lie and do things behind your back . 

And i'm starting to give up . . . on my life .

I wish i could just die .

Today is the 3rd March 2009 . My attachment starts, and it seriously sucks . One because the boss already said that we're not gonna touch anything on the accounts . So, what we're doing are just what we did not learn . What's the point of this ITP anyway then ? Secondly, the office is so big and people seldom communicate . You know why ? Because they're all working, all you hear is typing sounds, mouse clicking and perhaps some colleagues talking on the phone on business . The atmosphere there is so tense up, people's face are so serious till you might wonder if they have time to go to the loo ? 

I wonder if i should point it out to Ms Ang that i'm not doing anything about accounts ? Should i ?

Because if i don't learn anything about accounts, it's of no use even if i insert my work experience in my resume in the future, it has no link . 

Oh yeah, and they changed my workplace on the first day, from just in front of chijmes, to now just a minute walk from Cathay . Cool huh, i could go Plaza Singapura for shopping in case i don't wanna have lunch . Oh, and lunch is an hour . =) . 

I have my own table and corner to work on, my own PC too, and i wonder if i should log on MSN when i work because it's installed . Oh please, since i'm doing no accounts, and facing tonnes and tonnes of NTUC insurance policies everyday, it's damn bored i tell you . The only people i know is my superior and no one else . All others don't even bother that we're there for attachment, they seem so into their work . Okay, maybe one reason is that the big bosses are stationed at the corners of the big and they have one look access to everybody . 

And those colleagues seem to be so afraid of meeting or something like that . They'll all be quiet strolling to the meeting room once the announcement is made . I don't know, it's just so boring . 

Sigh . And all these for just the first 2 days of my 7 weeks attachment . 

I so feel like clubbing even more . Zzz . Haiz . 

Today is the 1st March 2009 . Time really flies, i thought 2008 was still fresh but that was 59 days ago . 

Anyway, sigh, i am so reluctant to go for my attachment, but guess i have no choice afterall . Packed my stuffs, got my clothes ironed, tidied my table, i guess what i'm left with is how to go . But i'll find that later . 

Dear dear went to Tekong on Saturday morning for work, and he's gonna be back only on Monday night which is tomorrow . Sleeping without blanket on a rainy night, he told me it was freezing . I guess i would be a shrimp if i were to sleep there . Hmmm . I miss dear dear . Zzz . 

So no programs for me unless i source it myself, Alvin suggest we club at DXO with his friends but well, it rained last night, so his friends cancelled the plan . I kinda went lifeless for a while and got a call from my other friend, he wants to have supper . So coincidently, Royston texted message me after that and asked me to go club with him at Zouk . So i was at Railway mall having supper, and my friend drove me down to Zouk . 

First time to zouk, i went in to Velvet . Not my type, wanted to go Phuture but people said it was full . So i had 3 glasses of vodka cranberry and went to the dance floor . Couldn't move much because i wasn't even high a bit . Haha, Royston's friends left early, so we did at 3am plus minus . Well, all i can say is, St. James still rock as ever . =)

Gonna hit St. James next week if possible, if dear dear wants to go . =) . This is a photo of Royston's friends . Lol . 

And some expired photographs from Valentine's . My present was chocolates . =_=

And i brought dear dear to SG Flyer and the management there sucks during V day . My flight was 7.30pm so i could see the sunset, ended up, i waited till 8.15pm . Shit people . Don't even know how to apologise . 

I miss dear dear . 

Speaking of which, i find a friend of mine being annoying these days . We having spoke a lot recently but his nick at MSN irritates me a little because it's a copy of mine . At first i thought he liked my nick because this is his nick . 

♠ devil - - - - - - I fall in your SMILE
Then for some strange reason, maybe it was because i wrote something as my sub-nick, he came and ask me if i'm back to single again and this is our conversation . 

Him : u break with ur bf liao ah
Me : no ar
Me : i break u very happy ar
Him : asking nia
Me : lol 

Him : ya

Him : then i will got a chance ma

Me : haha

Me : is it

Me : ohhhhhh

Me : olololol

And he didn't even replied anymore . Then i think it was yesterday or something, he copied my sub-nick again . Zzz . I wonder if i should block him so that dear dear don't get worried or whatever if he does . 

I wonder what dear dear is doing ? Hmm . Wish me luck for tomorrow, and which Shirley luck too, she's been pretty stressed over yearbook, all thanks to Augustine Goh . Can't help it, shit people just do shit things beating bushes trying to be big when, people don't even like him in the first place . Jiayou Shirley . =)